Early in my career, I had the chance to attend an out-of-town workshop about how to be a better publications editor. Since my job at the time was being a publications editor, this was fantastic. I spent two days soaking up the wisdom and knowledge of the facilitator—a seasoned editorial professional. (And I probably also spent those two days avoiding eye contact with my fellow attendees. But that’s a story for another day.)
At the end of the workshop I had learned a whole lot about being a good editor. And I learned something else: “Some day,” I realized, “I want to be the expert at the front of the room.” I loved the idea of being the professional everyone would look up to.
Super Power or Blind Spot?
This was probably baked into my personality. As the big sister of eight siblings, I was pretty used to thinking I had all the answers. And I loved dishing out my wisdom. As I progressed in my career, I was so excited when my teammates would come to me for advice. I felt like my super power was to astutely analyze a situation and suggest an insightful course of action.
In his book “The Advice Trap,” author Michael Bungay Stanier perfectly captures my love for doling out shrewd guidance. He calls this tendency the Advice Monster. “…we love to give advice,” he writes. “We love it. As soon as someone starts talking … our Advice Monster looms out of our subconscious, rubbing its hands and declaring ‘I’m about to add some value to this conversation! Yes. I. Am!’ ”
And then Stanier goes on in the next 200+ pages of his book to explain why acting this way isn’t really in anyone’s best interest. Why having all the answers doesn’t really help at all.
Well, crud. There went my perception of my super power.
Resolved: Ask More Questions
And so for the last year I’ve been concentrating on a new skill set: Asking Questions instead of Having All The Answers.
It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been incredibly rewarding. And I think I’m getting better at it.
Just yesterday when I was in a coaching session, the client asked me, “What should I do about this situation?” Old Me would have jumped in at that invitation, ready to share my suggestions. But New Me didn’t go there. Instead, the first words out of my mouth were, “What result do you want?”
I got curious. I gave my client room to explore the dilemma a little deeper. I created an opportunity for them to verbally try out some theories and directions. And you know what? Turns out they had ideas that were more workable than what I would have suggested.
It sounds like a little thing: The mantra “Ask, don’t answer.” But I’ve had to work really hard this year to make questions my go-to response. To tame my Advice Monster.
I think it’s paying off. But I should probably ask my clients.
Karman Hotchkiss
