When I was a freshman in college, I was assigned to report on a story for our campus newspaper. This required interviewing the Dean of Students about the freshman dropout rate. I thought there was a pretty clear answer to this problem, and I spent an hour trying to get the Dean to tell me how the school was going to implement that answer. I had my little mini tape recorder, and I filled it—both sides! But he just wouldn’t tell me what I wanted to hear. And I was very, very frustrated. I may have even gone back to my dorm and slammed a door or two.
Eventually, I realized that he was never going to give me the quote I was looking for. Because the organization’s solution to raising the retention rate wasn’t the answer I thought it would be. I had made a rookie reporter mistake.
With the benefit of some time and maturity, I learned several things from this ill-fated interview. One lesson was that a reporter is always curious and neutral—both characteristics I had left at the door that day. And both characteristics that serve us well as human beings and coworkers.
I also learned a great lesson about hearing what people aren’t telling you. And that’s a mistake I often see during coaching.
“I can’t get the resources I need for this project,” someone will tell me. Their take is that the boss doesn’t understand yet. Or that the boss hates them. But essentially their leader is saying, “This project isn’t a priority right now. I’m putting resources (money, my attention, my political capital) somewhere else instead.” The leader may not be willing or able to be that blunt. But understanding that the choice has been made would help the employee know how to move forward.
Or I’ll hear “My boss keeps giving me more work, and it’s too much.” The employee assumes that the boss is out of touch with what it takes to do the job. But sometimes the boss is really saying, “You’re spending your time on the wrong things.”
In cases like these, I usually talk with my coachee about getting curious instead of frustrated. Asking more questions. And listening for the hard lesson that might be buried in the answers.
It’s a lesson for me as a leader, too. About being more forthright. It’s a leader’s responsibility to say things—especially hard things—in a way that their team members can hear. And it’s the team members’ responsibility to pay attention to the message.
What is your boss really saying to you this week? And what can you do to get curious about that and open a discussion that leads to greater clarity?
Karman Hotchkiss
