My husband and I met on a blind date. It was a long time ago, but I still remember awkwardly walking around with him at an art show on the fairgrounds. We passed one particular booth of handmade pottery, which featured a bunch of coffee mugs with silly faces on them, and I poked a little fun by comparing one of the mugs to his face. And immediately I was completely embarrassed. Had I just ridiculed this perfectly nice guy? Had I made him self-conscious? What had I been thinking?!?
Luckily, he saw the humor in my wise crack. And he saw that I was regretting my words. “It’s OK,” he laughed. “You know me well enough to tease me.”
Well, 30-plus years later, our common sense of humor is still keeping us together. But on that first night, he taught me a lesson I have to learn over again every so often: Relationships get stronger when you push on the boundaries a bit.
This is a lesson I recently re-learned while visiting the Natural Lifemanship center in Texas. There, my coworkers and I watched Tim Jobe approach a recently corralled wild horse. The horse stood off in one corner, warily keeping one eye on Tim and one eye on his horse friends in the next pen. Tim and this horse could have remained in their respective corners all day. But Tim knew (and showed us) that he couldn’t build a relationship with this horse unless he moved in closer, making the horse a little uncomfortable. Proximity would build trust.
It hit me that this was a lot like a good coaching relationship. Sure, as a coach, I can stay over in my own corner and say reassuring stuff from a distance. But I cannot build trust unless I’m willing to push a little closer. To ask deeper questions. To challenge thinking in ways that might be somewhat awkward.
Like a gentle tease on that first date with my husband, being willing to push the boundaries a tiny bit builds trust and relationship. It makes us stronger as a team.
This isn’t very easy for me. My Predictive Index profile (Guardian) shows that I value harmony. So making people potentially uncomfortable is not natural; I err on the side of accord. But watching Tim with that wild horse reminded me that when I risk discomfort, I create an opportunity for growth. For myself and for my coachees.
Karman Hotchkiss
